For me, one of the worst things about manic depression is terrifying the people I love. My parents are the dearest people in the world to me and I’d do anything not to scare them like this. They’ve seen me worse than I am tonight, and they’re as loving as anyone could ask for, but it feels so much worse tonight. I know this will pass. I cycle so rapidly I could wake up in a few hours and feel like a god.
But in the meantime, I could talk for hours and hours and it would all be about how I don’t want to exist. I can say that to them and it’ll come out like a joke, but I don’t know how to ask them for help. I don’t even know what would help, to be honest. Not to be me, I guess.
Nothing’s wrong and everything’s wrong and there’s no reason for any of it except all of it. I could explode all over the universe or I could curl up and shake until all the feelings fall out and I’m empty again. I don’t like being empty but maybe it’s better than being so volatile that the slightest change in my life can send me soaring through the skies, or plunging into the deep, dark ocean.
The only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that I am not always like this. I’m lucky enough to have sufficient balance, much of the time, that even when I’m everything at once, it’s muted enough for me to function. I don’t have to be here, but I get by. Getting by is the most I can do, right now.
I will survive this. I will remember, when it’s bad, that things can get better. I’ll look back at what I’ve written and I’ll laugh at myself. As long as I can still laugh, I can still hope.
EDIT: 2013/06/20 - as expected, feeling much better the next night. It’s amazing what crossing one thing off my to-do list can do for my mood. Leaving this here as a reminder to myself.